Spring Break
If you hate my column
Kristine Gill
Issue date: 5/8/09 Section: Opinion
Guess what? This is most likely one of the last times you'll see my face in the paper. I'm done writing my weekly humor column for the Stater. Life is getting busier, and I had to prioritize.
I figured I'd leave you all with a list of funny things to remember now that I won't be here once a week to remind you to laugh. I'd also like to address responses I've received for a few columns I've written. A quick note to anyone who hated this column: You hurt my feelings, and I wish you a lifetime of hangnails and razor burn.
&bull Snot, vomit, fecal matter: It's all funny stuff. Talk about it at dinner. What's the big deal?
&bull Animal abuse is not funny, but the people who thought I was serious in that column are laughable.
&bull I'm sorry I joked about hockey in my third column for the Stater. I had no idea hockey fans didn't have a sense of humor. It will never happen again.
&bull I've been a walker, a bus rider, a biker and a driver on this campus. They all suck, but biking is the worst mode of transportation by far and for the following reasons: sweaty armpits, bad hair, moving through crowds and sweaty armpits.
&bull To the people who thought my column about letting squirrels into the dorms was absolute crap, I want to say that you are all heartless. If you wanted to spend the winter in a squirrel's nest on this campus, he or she would welcome you with open arms.
&bull Opening other people's mail is a federal offense. If you don't want me to commit a federal offense with your mail, make sure it gets sent to your apartment.
&bull To the people who read my Point/Counter Point column with Ron Soltys and said I was a disgrace to women, Midol will help with those cramps you're feeling. If we proved any stereotype with women in that column, it was that they can't take a joke.
&bull I still highly recommend "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating," by Dr. Judy Kuriansky. It is extremely informative for anyone who is stuck in the '80s and still thinks guys look rad in black jeans and a black T-shirt.
&bull Awkward situations are awful. They're painful, but they make the best stories.
&bull Don't talk to people in the bathrooms. Don't do it if it's your teacher, your classmate, your best friend or even a blood relative. Bathrooms are for excreting waste.
&bull The best practice for dealing with illness or injury is to deny pain. Avoid visiting doctors and dentists, as they usually try to diagnose you. Instead, visit WebMD and start building your coffin.
&bull Most funny things are compounded with the presence of alcohol or other such substances. Use such substances at your own risk. If you don't drink, try laying on your stomach while laughing. You'll laugh harder. Also, laughing while your chest is full of phlegm makes it sound like you're laughing a lot harder than you really are. Laugh less frequently when you are sick in order to avoid sounding too enthusiastic.
&bull Sitting at the kid table at holidays is a blast, but don't tell your family that.
It was a pleasure writing this column for the Stater. I hope one of you will miss reading my column as much as I'll miss writing it.
Kristine Gill is a newspaper journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at at kgill2@kent.edu.
I figured I'd leave you all with a list of funny things to remember now that I won't be here once a week to remind you to laugh. I'd also like to address responses I've received for a few columns I've written. A quick note to anyone who hated this column: You hurt my feelings, and I wish you a lifetime of hangnails and razor burn.
&bull Snot, vomit, fecal matter: It's all funny stuff. Talk about it at dinner. What's the big deal?
&bull Animal abuse is not funny, but the people who thought I was serious in that column are laughable.
&bull I'm sorry I joked about hockey in my third column for the Stater. I had no idea hockey fans didn't have a sense of humor. It will never happen again.
&bull I've been a walker, a bus rider, a biker and a driver on this campus. They all suck, but biking is the worst mode of transportation by far and for the following reasons: sweaty armpits, bad hair, moving through crowds and sweaty armpits.
&bull To the people who thought my column about letting squirrels into the dorms was absolute crap, I want to say that you are all heartless. If you wanted to spend the winter in a squirrel's nest on this campus, he or she would welcome you with open arms.
&bull Opening other people's mail is a federal offense. If you don't want me to commit a federal offense with your mail, make sure it gets sent to your apartment.
&bull To the people who read my Point/Counter Point column with Ron Soltys and said I was a disgrace to women, Midol will help with those cramps you're feeling. If we proved any stereotype with women in that column, it was that they can't take a joke.
&bull I still highly recommend "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating," by Dr. Judy Kuriansky. It is extremely informative for anyone who is stuck in the '80s and still thinks guys look rad in black jeans and a black T-shirt.
&bull Awkward situations are awful. They're painful, but they make the best stories.
&bull Don't talk to people in the bathrooms. Don't do it if it's your teacher, your classmate, your best friend or even a blood relative. Bathrooms are for excreting waste.
&bull The best practice for dealing with illness or injury is to deny pain. Avoid visiting doctors and dentists, as they usually try to diagnose you. Instead, visit WebMD and start building your coffin.
&bull Most funny things are compounded with the presence of alcohol or other such substances. Use such substances at your own risk. If you don't drink, try laying on your stomach while laughing. You'll laugh harder. Also, laughing while your chest is full of phlegm makes it sound like you're laughing a lot harder than you really are. Laugh less frequently when you are sick in order to avoid sounding too enthusiastic.
&bull Sitting at the kid table at holidays is a blast, but don't tell your family that.
It was a pleasure writing this column for the Stater. I hope one of you will miss reading my column as much as I'll miss writing it.
Kristine Gill is a newspaper journalism major and columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at at kgill2@kent.edu.
Viewing Comments 1 - 9 of 11
Bill (KSU Alumnus)
posted 5/09/09 @ 8:18 AM EST
Kristine, you have the gift of reminding people to lighten-up! I personally think you did a great job with your column. Your sense of humor will serve you well throughout your life. (Continued…)
Homer
posted 5/09/09 @ 1:17 PM EST
Kristine,
I understand you are sad you wont be writing anymore but on a good note YOU WONT BE WRITING ANYMORE. I have to say that I have never read such a consistent article that talks about nothing but yourself and lack of interesting issues in your life. (Continued…)
Andrew P
posted 5/10/09 @ 1:17 PM EST
Kristine may have had a different sense of humor that the rest of us, but to those that opposed her on the supposed animal abuse was hilarious! Reading her column was a good way to wind down the week. (Continued…)
notanignoramus
posted 5/10/09 @ 9:56 PM EST
Firstly, Kristine didn't make it clear that her column was supposed to be humor/satire - therefore, for those of us who choose what we read based on the headline or topic, there was no distinction between reality and farce. (Continued…)
Lily
posted 5/11/09 @ 10:51 AM EST
I personally loved your coloumn except for the coloumn. It was very humorous and I think your talented. One of the best columnist on the stater!
Micah
posted 5/15/09 @ 5:57 PM EST
shit.
the column is history? that's too bad.
i seriously LOLed all the time. good luck!
Fan
posted 5/18/09 @ 11:18 PM EST
I always looked forward to reading your columns, as well as the criticism that those without a sense of humor left. Your writing was always a bright spot amongst the sad news of our nosediving economy and rising tuition costs. (Continued…)
Fan
posted 5/18/09 @ 11:22 PM EST
Oh and Homer,
Turn around and pull that stick out of your ass :)
Love,
The entire Kent State population.
the real pino
posted 5/19/09 @ 10:38 PM EST
the real joke is having a jackass like pino having a job at ksu much less pino being a professor. anyone with a lick of sense wouldn't hire that jackass to push a broom. (Continued…)
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